Don’t know what’s gotten into me.

I don’t know what i should write/rant about but hey, do you ever hear your own voice inside your head each time you find your brimming over? I do, every time i find myself on the verge of crying i keep saying to myself to not cry. Not that i believe in it, but the patriarchial idea of crying being as a weakness is too deeply instilled inside my brain. And more so, i’m seen as a weak person because i cry very often and easily. But isn’t it that everyone finds different ways of letting go of pain and sadness? I know i’m not anything close to weak, cause crying is my way of letting go of pain. I like the general idea of crying- letting your tears flow seamlessly down your cheeks, with an intensity, which might as well choke your breath and leave you gasping. As long as i can cry my eyes out, i can deal with more of suffering and heartbreaks. Anyway, i think that my idea about myself and my life, that i have created inside my brain, is quite different than what people perceive me as. I don’t think if i want to change it but it gives me freedom to do and be as i wish, without being questioned. Why would you want everyone to know every thing about you and then have them ask you endless questions? Just do whatever you want to do, but make sure you don’t hurt the people who love you.

It is getting a little bit hard to write anything these days, considering the fact that i have been feeling slightly numbed, my mind can’t process anything. I think i am going through minor withdrawals because i find myself awfully dissociated from everything around me. I guess, life’s too much to take sometimes; getting up and making bed, bathing, eating, studying, making sure to have conversations with everyone, and doing little chores everyday tend to tire me so much. I DON’T REALLY LIKE MUNDANE ROUTINES, THOUGH.

I have been feeling very overwhelmed, i miss my cousin brother because he’s the light of my eyes and i have had no sun for a long time. I hate distances but guess i have to learn to be strong and deal with my mind more effectively and not worry him all the time. I’m not sure how long it takes for a human brain to accept the mistakes committed and let go of it. i think losing all hope and seeing your beliefs get shattered, becomes an eye-opener. like the last time i felt pain, i remember questioning, “what’s better, forgiving and forgetting or letting it all go with complete ignorance.” I still don’t know though, but sometimes i regret being a certain way and saying things in moments of fierce passion and weakness. Sometimes i hate that i have hurt people in ways i didn’t expect to, unintentionally. I also know, this kind of life was unprecedented, but i sometimes hate my heart and feeling like ripping it off and throwing it away. I know it’s not required but sometimes i wish i could tell him how much my heart and head hurts from everything, how i try to fall asleep at night before i fall apart, how much i love even if i can’t show, or just how i only want him to be happy else how am i supposed to be strong. I know how they all say, take what you need and go on; but i don’t really know what i need. There’s a lot that inside my head that i need to figure out in terms of everything But if there’s more pain to come, it must come and devour all of my existence and turn me into someone new. I know i have been feeling quite weak which so very unlike me, but i miss certain things although i try hard to hide. I’ll try writing more next time.

But there’s no one listening.

I woke up today with a heavy head and I don’t know if I like this way of life anymore. I just wish my brain could shut up for some time and not make me think of things I’m not ready for. I have my online classes in 10 minutes, I wish I could just run away from it. Despite spending half of my day lying on the bed tending to my classes, spending the other half everyday with my cousins, the only thing i look forward to is listening to music, although I do it all the time. I was listening to radiohead last night and I really like their music, it’s depressing yet light at the same time. I really like “Fake plastic trees”, “High and Dry”, “No Surprises”; they are are the kind of music I’d listen to when I’m generally irritated and can’t deal with any shit anymore. I’d like to establish the fact that I’m not a pop music fanatic and Don’t relate to most of it, Punk, alt-rock is more of my kind cause I have slightly different views and beliefs from others nothing makes me happy than Blink 182. I’ve also been obsessed with the band, The Goo Goo Dolls because of the beauty in their lyrics and it makes my heart subtly ache for something that I want to feel/have but don’t have the ability for.

I want to know what you do when the waves come crashing in? Tell me How do you deal with your grief and sadness? I want to know how you control your pain so it doesn’t paralyze your limbs? Honestly I don’t know any perfect way to deal with my pain because it never goes away. My pain is resurfacing again and it hurts my head so much. It feels like my heart’s collapsing and falling down and I can’t hold on. My eyes are just brimming up and I’m trying to hide my tears because I don’t want anyone to notice. I feel as if I’m going to burst out in my pain and fade away soon. I tried to numb it out, talk more, but I’m not Overthinking as well. It’s like the walls around me are caving in. It’s that feeling when someone just tore the band-aid off and the wounds are bleeding again. When I look and think of my life the way it is, it makes me want to abandon all my beliefs and make a shell around me so nothing can touch me anymore. I also don’t want to break my heart again by thinking about something that hasn’t happened yet. But if I break now it’ll hurt less when it actually happens. I want to let go of all my fears and feel fearless so nothing can break inside me. I don’t know though, if there’s anything left to break inside me. Just know that when you sit and stare at a wall and tears start streaming down your face, you’ve been too strong for a while. I understand that everything that’s gone must be left in past and missed in silence but what about the ghosts, the hallucinations, the voices? How do I tell them that I don’t need them anymore,that they’re causing me pain? I guess I had been holding myself together for quite a decent time and I think it’s all over now. I wish everyone would leave me alone and let me sit in my room with lights off, listening to music and cry till nothing’s left.

I think one of my biggest fear is having a distorted memory. So this one day all my cousins were talking about a trip we all did back in 2012 and I couldn’t recall most parts of it and that irked me so much because I don’t remember certain moments involving me. I pretty much sure that I am messed up in my head but I don’t understand why I can’t remember things when everyone else does, although it’s quite hard to believe because of how much I hold inside my head. I remember his red bottle and him waving at me for the first time, the keyboard boy and music classes, pursuing someone with a fierce passion for the first time, computer lab fights, ‘water race’, bringing him a lollipop on school trips, a foreigner asking me for directions, getting teased for my “Bilkul draamebaazi hai” review of a shitty movie, my mom getting mad me at for my stubbornness, my father singing me to sleep on his shoulders, singing ‘wild hearts’ with my best friend, running with duster amd water bottle in my hand, dancing in class and trigonometry cramming, and so much more. Do you see how much I hold inside my head and it’s just this a part of the ocean in my mind. I guess it’s because I remember all the miniscule details from my past that I don’t remember the big things. I think pain is just any other emotion that demands to be felt because there are very few things in life that are real and leave a profound impact on us and our lives. Because when that subtle sadness creeps into your soul and chokes your throat; you think of the people you loved, and the smiles you adored. I know no matter how I try I can never forget certain details, specific memories and feeling even if I forget the people attached with it. I don’t want to though, because I want to grow old and look back at my life and smile at how gracefully I adored people and things in my life that they gave me immense happiness. I want to look back at the 13 to 16 year old me with a happy and relieved heart because that girl felt what love and life was without actually knowing it. I sound like I’ve been to some really good old saints for help but I have been just been thinking of the girl I was before I became who I am now.

Heart’s not enough

“How was it all before I came in?
Was I at fault or you an angel,
But darling, just look right
through me for one last time.

Am I not enough or empty inside?
because an empty heart can’t pump
out the blood; my chest’s burning,
heart’s collapsing- give me some time.

Is love meant to be silent or loud?
for I like the sound of silence.
love you in quietness, grand gestures
are my hamartia- I am paralyzed.

Hold on a bit, don’t give up too soon,
maybe I could give you more this time.
but I am just a naive, young poet;
Perhaps I could write you a better rhyme.”

I never meant to cause you trouble.

So i was really irked for the past three days because of something someone close to me did/say and I’m alright now because that’s who I am, I don’t hold grudges for too long. I think for the first time in my life I have kinda come in terms with my saturation point or what sort of behavior exceeds mine. I have to work at it and understand how my brain works at times because I’m not dumb or anything. I don’t understand why some people say or behave in a way that feels quite absurd and the kind of person that I am, I tend to take it all on me. Do you realize how toxic it is, to be a victim of people’s own insecurities just because you love them? Well, I can’t control what anyone says or does to me but I can control how I react to it. I think I am sensible enough to understand myself and not hate people for all of their idiosyncrasies because we’re all just trying to get better. Anyways, I have also been very uninspired for a long time and I just don’t like this. I don’t like writer’s block. Blogging is something that helps me be in touch with myself, but I really want to write some good poetry for as long as I can. I want to bleed on the paper when I am hurt, angry, sad, happy, or going through any other emotions. I want to write poetry on the darkest parts of my mind, of lost lovers and abandoned love but I just don’t know anything now but I am sure I don’t want to fade away without experiencing the world and all the strongest emotions and feelings in the universe. I’d rather die with scars than live with a flawless skin and an unevolved mind.

Everyone loves differently cause everyone’s heart beats different. And no two people’s love resembles completely and all kinds of love is love. I never learnt how to show my love for the people of my life and that’s where my hamartia lies because I only knew ways to keep people warm by destroying myself again and again. I don’t understand the fact that not being able to show our love for people leads to it being questioned for its ability to sustain them and make them feel loved. I think a great deal of pain arises with the realization that your love was never enough for the people you love the most. Nothing’s more heartbreaking than to hear someone important to you accusing you of not loving them when you actually did. If love is all about grand gestures then maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to say that “I love them” anymore. I don’t know what’s better: a silent love or a loud one? But I guess there’s different sort of beauty in both of them as long as it gives someone the strength to carry on. This makes me think of the day when my elder brother said, “There are people who won’t value your love no matter how much you give it to them, and there are people to whome if you even give a little bit of attention, they end up loving you like their whole world.” He’s one of those people I love the most and would die for, because he’s true light and deserves so much more than what I give him. I just wish he realizes that I, his little sister loves him but can’t express it appropriately. It’s quite late now and I should probably sleep but I feel that all my life I have never been enough for few important people in my life, and im not quite sure if it is my inadequacy in loving people the right way or if they were the extra needy ones but I love them anyway. How do i explain them that the girl never knew a perfect way to express her love? How do I make them realize that the girl loved them a lot more than she could express. I wish they could read her eyes because they never lie.

“Am I the hope in her words or
the questions in his eyes that he hides,
for I am their only safe ground;
bereft of water – a parched land.

Am I my mother’s sad and beautiful
smile Or my ageing father’s cough,
because they are my only vision
and I, their only hope.

Am I my best friend’s happiest
getaway or the favourite girl
of all my friends, for they
are the ecstacy of my life.

Am I all those songs I listen to
everyday or the song I made myself,
out of the vibrations inside my head,
which I am yet to understand.”

Cause you’re the only thing that’s real.

If winter leads to deterioration of most of the things, then maybe relationships fall apart because the love and trust in it turns cold. Do you remember the time when you looked at them and your eyes hurt because you couldn’t look at them in the same light as you used to do before? Does it ever hurt you that you couldn’t see the light leaving their eyes because everything you felt was real? The truth is that two people can walk past each other because the love once shared between them reaches to a point where it can neither be comprehended nor be reciprocated in the right manner. It is true that sometimes love turns cold and ceases to give you the warmth you crave for, but in most cases it fades away due to the lack of intensity in it because human relationships and emotions are so fragile and need constant effort to keep them warm. As an 18 year old I don’t understand much about love except that, if it dies it wasn’t there in the first place because no good thing dies, right? Maybe you don’t understand this now but you’ll realize it when that subtle sadness and melancholy creeps inside your soul, and makes you think of all those you loved and how it all turned to dust.

I don’t know how but I’ve started to miss certain people and it’s really weird to miss something you don’t want to. Although I feel like I let a possibly beautiful thing slip through my hands because all you tried to do was love me, but i was too high on my pain so i didn’t let you in and now I kinda regret it. Love, I know you’ve moved on and are happy than ever, but i sit here holding onto it even though it kills me slowly. I don’t understand why life has to be this way, why can’t things fall into place seamlessly and give me some peace. I don’t understand why my younger brother has to keep up unwanted arguments with me, and why I have to say some stupid dumb things and act out weirdly. Most of it stems from my indecision, because I’m always so lost in my thoughts; like I’ll be looking at you and hearing you speak But barely register it and listen. Actually, everyone in my family was talking about how mentally absent my little cousin always is and how it’s not good and I laughed out and smirked really hard in my head because I’m exactly same as her. I’m just quite good at getting away with it and luckily no one notices me. I know I’m just fooling everyone around, lol. Like my elder brother put it out yesterday “dont know what happens to you at times, you are always confused about simple things.” I know bro I’m crazy and pathetic but I love you. I really need to change it before it becomes too ingrained in me. But above all the confusion and weirdness I am calmly happy and I don’t want t to ruin it, but I think I might have to push my luck away and study better so as to end this semester well. It’s really some messed up shit; my life, my head, and my study table as well.

I’ve been listening to all the blink-182 albums from the past three days and I ve fallen for their words because I found a parts of me in the songs. Isn’t it beautiful to find yourself in someone else’s art? It’s a nice feeling when someone else succeeds in putting your feelings into words when you can’t and that hits home, always. I’ve started doing those things again that I used to do as a kid, which I stopped doing for some reason I don’t know. And writing is one of them. It’s a lovely evening right now, the wind’s blowing and I’m sitting at my desk and I feel slightly nostalgic/ melancholic/ sad / messed up. I’m not quite sure what it actually is and I don’t want to question it either. Sometimes all you can do is let things be, sit still and listen to music and feel your heart sink because that’s how it is. But don’t give up, okay? It’s a good fight.


“The soft drink was way too cold,
Stung my throat so I couldn’t speak how
that silence ripped my joy apart.
How is it easy for you to not look
and walk away,
I know I am too much sometimes;
I try to push it back but always fail,
Maybe that’s why I cry too much.”

Don’t fade out.

I had quite an effortless day and it’s ending well but I don’t understand why weird things have to happen in my life. Everytime I feel like I have control on things, that’s when they go wrong. Irrespective of what I decided for this year, I feel this intense urge to start over and cut certain things out. I guess it doesn’t matter how many times you start over unless you go with things not serving you the way you want them to. It’s easy to realize and separate the things not serving you but it’s even more hard to letting them go. It’s exactly like a person stuck in a toxic relationship, where you can neither cope up with them nor walk away, so you just keep hanging in between. Im surprised by the way my mind’s processing now and the flow with which my thoughts are turning out because I’m really hungry.

I’m not sure what I feel but i have understood the idea that you can swim against the tides, yet still have water inside your mouth. I don’t know if you can understand this now but I’m sure you will when you find yourself sitting with people and passing smiles yet feeling shit inside. I guess I’ve become accustomed to such a lifestyle but you can write poetry and blogs about it but how do you get it off your mind? Anyways spring is here and gentle breeze blows into my face and plays with my hair but i feel the cold has seeped deep into my soul this time, hence I’ve been so numb these days. I felt multiple emotions this winter, weird ones and I guess happiness too but I want to feel something different this spring. I don’t know how I’m going to defrost my soul but I’ve begun to dislike being numb for a long time. It’s quite easy and appropriate to numb your pain in the short run, but in the long run it can become quite a game changer because there’s a lot to know, feel and understand and I don’t want to be bereft of all the wonderful things that is there to feel.

I’ve been listening to a lot of new music and I wish I’d discovered them before but its better late than never, I guess.

1. Paradise by Coldplay
2. Lost! by Coldplay
3. Itch by Nothing but Thieves
4. Happiness by Taylor Swift
5. Didn’t I? by One Republic

Shiver

Walking down the streets on
a winter night, against the cold
wind might seem poetic –
But I’ve never liked the shivery days
for it always brings up the
unwanted and forlorn emotions,
that I wish to forget.
Winter nights often smell of regret
and a profound longing for something
unknown yet familiar.
I shrug at the sight of a bondore for it’s
Warmth is quite unobtainable – what warms
me on the inside gives me chills
on outside and my skin burns.
It was winter – when he decided to leave,
when I walked out of the house in rage
to find myself on dark empty streets.
There was a numbing chill in the air when
Something inside me broke and then died;
It was an ordinary winter night when
a dream broke and my life altered.

Hi!

This is not my first post as a blogger, but i need to do this, for the mess of thoughts inside my brain is too heavy for me to carry. So maybe writing might help.

There’s not much to me but I’d like to establish that I listen to music all day, hence I’m a lisztomaniac, I write poetry sometimes and I love to read. I am a student and I am very critical of myself.

This blog is basically a place for my rantings and journal ideas; which might not be of any interest to you. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

Love:)

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