My best friend S leaves for Goa tomorrow for college and she and my friends are planning to meet today for her farewell and i kinda feel out of place, well quite geographically. I wish i was there with her. I wish i had spent more time with her before leaving the city. We’ve been friends for the past 16 years and there’s never been a situation which could ever weaken our bond and love so maybe i shouldn’t fear so much. I’m so happy that she finally gets to go to the beach City and college physically cause it has a beautiful campus. I often feel that i always have a lot going on inside in my mind and that i need/want to talk about all that with someone, but it’s not really possible since i don’t open up much except with my brother, i feel i need to keep writing here so that i have something to look forward to, which can simultaneously help me to be in touch with my emotions.
So a few days back it was past 11 at night and i was lying on bed and staring at the ceiling and as i remember, i felt a bit heavy, and then out of nowhere tears started flowing out of my eyes, yet it only lasted for few seconds until i fell asleep. It was almost like something just wanted to escape from my body and tears was the only it found to get out. I didn’t really think about it much until i found myself telling about it to my brother the next day and then he said,”Don’t try to find meaning in everything, you either find it or you lose yourself in the process”. Maybe he’s right because some things just happen on their own. You always think of things which make you feel sad and terrible, and eventually you turn resistant to anything that seems to give you happiness and joy. There are a few things that make me feel warm and give me a pure sense of ecstacy as of now, despite everything else- my little nephew, when Bhai comes home, music, books, car rides, movies and when my younger brother gets goofy once in a while; i just hope these things always continue to give me comfort in times when i find it hard.
I have a very boring routine as of now, waking up, attending classes, spending time with my cousins, studying and then passing out and i can’t exert on how painfully boring all this is. It’s funny how i have not had any social life ever since May 2020, which is kinda different from who i used to be in high school. Despite the redundant routine i listen to music all day except that it’s making me feel a bit weird of late. I mean everytime i put my earphones and put a song on, i find myself getting restless and desperate, as if to find something that doesn’t need to be found. Maybe it’s just that I’ve been only listening to a certain songs over and over again and that’s what is bringing me down. I’m in a dire need of change, an intense need for a vacation or getaway so i would feel fresh and rejuvenated.