find yourself regain focus again.

My best friend S leaves for Goa tomorrow for college and she and my friends are planning to meet today for her farewell and i kinda feel out of place, well quite geographically. I wish i was there with her. I wish i had spent more time with her before leaving the city. We’ve been friends for the past 16 years and there’s never been a situation which could ever weaken our bond and love so maybe i shouldn’t fear so much. I’m so happy that she finally gets to go to the beach City and college physically cause it has a beautiful campus. I often feel that i always have a lot going on inside in my mind and that i need/want to talk about all that with someone, but it’s not really possible since i don’t open up much except with my brother, i feel i need to keep writing here so that i have something to look forward to, which can simultaneously help me to be in touch with my emotions.

So a few days back it was past 11 at night and i was lying on bed and staring at the ceiling and as i remember, i felt a bit heavy, and then out of nowhere tears started flowing out of my eyes, yet it only lasted for few seconds until i fell asleep. It was almost like something just wanted to escape from my body and tears was the only it found to get out. I didn’t really think about it much until i found myself telling about it to my brother the next day and then he said,”Don’t try to find meaning in everything, you either find it or you lose yourself in the process”. Maybe he’s right because some things just happen on their own. You always think of things which make you feel sad and terrible, and eventually you turn resistant to anything that seems to give you happiness and joy. There are a few things that make me feel warm and give me a pure sense of ecstacy as of now, despite everything else- my little nephew, when Bhai comes home, music, books, car rides, movies and when my younger brother gets goofy once in a while; i just hope these things always continue to give me comfort in times when i find it hard.

I have a very boring routine as of now, waking up, attending classes, spending time with my cousins, studying and then passing out and i can’t exert on how painfully boring all this is. It’s funny how i have not had any social life ever since May 2020, which is kinda different from who i used to be in high school. Despite the redundant routine i listen to music all day except that it’s making me feel a bit weird of late. I mean everytime i put my earphones and put a song on, i find myself getting restless and desperate, as if to find something that doesn’t need to be found. Maybe it’s just that I’ve been only listening to a certain songs over and over again and that’s what is bringing me down. I’m in a dire need of change, an intense need for a vacation or getaway so i would feel fresh and rejuvenated.

I HAVE GOT A FEELING INSIDE ME

I think i was more in the mood to think about what Franz Kafka had to say than George Orwell so i read Metamorphosis by Kafka and i liked the plot for how it was very different and unique than all that i have read so far. It is a novella and i felt sad for the protagonist, Gregor Samsa, because the story revolved around the struggles of Gregor and his family when he transformed into a monstrous vermin one day. I mean i was very angry at the indifference shown by his family towards him, who didn’t even bother to think of the pain their son had been going through. I think i understand why he felt unwanted and burdened by his own existence that failed to even matter to his family, that he gave up on being alive anymore; and later succumbed to his injuries. Regardless of it all, his family was too selfish and ungrateful to even grieve at his death. If i look at it from a third person perspective, all Gregor wanted from his family was acceptance for what he had become. I think i can correspond it to all those people who have ever been made to feel unwanted, terrible, loveless and eventually took their own lives. The lack of attention shown to a person can surely break their spirits even more than their pain alone, and maybe nothing hurts a human heart more than being ignored.

The previous week was a lot of noise and chaos and i am tired of it all; atleast i didn’t think i’d feel like that cause since it’s birthday month. I mean i am just two weeks away from turning nineteen and i don’t really know how i feel about myself, i honestly don’t. I have been thinking a lot about this and i realize that all that has ever happened to me till now, good and bad, has led me to this place. Earlier today i read a post that said, when we turn a certain age, we are also all the previous years of our life at that time. which means when i turn 19, i’ll also be the sum total of all my previous years and somehow i’m still the girl i was at 5, 10, or maybe 15, expect that it comes to light no more. I don’t know how the train of my thoughts are going to align but i am eternally grateful to Sonika for all the music and poetry because music has certainly turned my life around in a positive way and words and art is all i want to know. You always need something to hold on to so that in times of discomfort you have something to look forward to. Forgive me if my thoughts seem very out of place and incoherent to you but i always feel this intense urge to do this.

I never imagined myself becoming this person, also i don’t know what time it was exactly when I became this person. Maybe it all all started in the beginning of 2020, gradually gained momentum and here i am now, writing this and feeling hella sleepy. I won’t talk about How it’s like being 18 because that’s quite useless, but i do know that you gotta hold on strong, man. I understand how weird and sad life can turn out to be but sometimes things are just the way they are supposed to be and you can’t do much about except trying to adjust. Like i can’t stop my brother and mum from picking up random and meaningless fights with me, or I can’t stop it from raining or i can’t shut people’s mouth. I’m not sure if the personal examples i gave justify what i wanted to say but you get the drift. Anyways, as i am about to enter into my 19th year, i hope i stop feeling like a sad person all the time and try looking beyond all the sadness and pain so i can continue to grow. I intend to read more books, listen to new artists, and catch up on sunsets more and just think more. I know it sounds very cliche but i feel my life’s going to change more, let’s see if i let it turn me into a something good or destroy me.

There’s so much happening around me- unavoidable human noise, irrelevant opinions about everything all at once and just so much chaos. Despite being surrounded by so many people all the time i have sort of learnt how to adjust to the cacophony of voices ringing around me and still not let it drown my own voice in it. It’s strange how less i get affected by things like that because of their mere superficiality. To those who feel scared, insecure and left-out despite being surrounded by people, just know that you don’t owe anyone a thing and can always do whatever you wish to do and fall out of the redundant chatter. because at the end of the day you can be whatever you choose to be but just don’t let go of what you actually want to do.

Highs and lows are pretty much the same

I’m not sure if it’s because my heart that hurts or if i’m just insecure but i’m so reckless and quick in making certain decisions without giving a second thought about the consequences, i kinda regret that. Everything that happens to us is just an outcome of the multiple choices we make over the time, intentionally or unintentionally. And even if you realize that all our heartbreaks, pain, sadness are just outcomes of the decisions you have made, you cannot go back and reverse the things you’ve done. It’s funny and weird how most of the things, like past lovers, deceit, hurt, love games and all that crap doesn’t mean much to me because if i look at other aspects of my life there’s not much to blame anyone for. Things are just the way they are and i am looking at them the way they and are. Oh i feel like i had more to say but i seem to have forgotten that so maybe some other time. Anyways, sure my classes are pretty much advanced and all but i miss my high school Chem, CSE and Math teacher; i think no matter where i go nothing will ever match up to them and the vibe of my high school. I’m not sure if i really miss anyone or anything because sometimes it is so fleeting yet strong that i barely trust it to be real.

I don’t know why SUGA’S INTERLUDE means so much to me in ways that i don’t know of yet. Music surely transcends any language and regional barriers and spaces and speaks more than what we barely understand. Music is just so soft and comforting, that’s what i’ve learnt so far beacause it gives me some sort of meaning and is a home to me. I hate myself for thinking about music in a not-so-appropriate way earlier but i am mending my ways. If there’s one thing that i am sure of just yet is the songs i listen to that always provide me a sense of belongingness that i might never find anywhere else.

I have never felt this way ever and this time the pain is so different and crippling, i can barely stand it. I never realized the true consequences of my actions trying to save someone, that it might be hurting instead. And this pains me more than anything, to know that i hurt someone so close to me. If i could, I’d tear my heart my apart and toss my mind around so i wouldn’t have to know i really hurt and not let it kill me so much. I just can’t escape from the guilt because my life revolves around never hurting anyone in my life. That’s all i want to do, never hurt anyone. I think you will only realize it when someone you love the most walks up to you and tells that you hurt them and i doubt your heart will stand it. I’m just really sorry if i sound nonsense and incoherent but i have just been feeling quite out of place and weird or maybe only because I am turning 19 next month and i don’t really feel excited about it like before.

I’m gonna slip away.

The last three months have been a complete blur and i don’t really remember much of it clearly, just some pieces or mainly all the breakdowns. I don’t know what I am feeling right now but I woke up feeling not so good or maybe it’s just the fever receding. I see multiple kinds of sadness in the people around me, I see how they talk about it one minute and then laugh it off the next; and the best part is that they never let it show. I think there’s generally a lot of real sadness everywhere but my sadness feels like a pretense despite living with it for so long. I don’t know if we really need to justify our sadness and pain, or if it really needs any to make it seem real to someone.

The song i really like right now is ‘I hate everything about you’ by Three Days Grace. I never questioned my love for anyone because i never felt the need to do so. But now that i realize that I should have looked more deeper into my feelings to really know what i really wanted so the pain would have been reduced. I don’t trust myself and the truth in my feelings because now i know the difference between saying goodbye and getting a chance to say a goodbye, yet still not saying it. If you know what i mean.

My summer break just ended yesterday and i hate that i didn’t do much or be productive like i should have been. I don’t have much to say this time so maybe i’ll share some of the songs i have been listening the most lately.

  1. SUGA’s Interlude by Halsey, SUGA
  2. Last Train Home by Blink-182
  3. Colors by Halsey
  4. Butter, Dynamite, Boy With Luv, Fake Love by BTS
  5. High school me by Sasha Sloan

I want all that is not mine.

I finished reading the book The perks of being a wallflower by Stephen chbosky after meaning to do so for long and i loved every thing i read. I was moved, ever since i saw the movie but the book has its own beauty. Despite a lot of characters revolving around, I can finally state that I am Charlie, the protagonist, in all aspects because i cry way too much and easily. I’d like to believe that i am a wallflower and i see things and understand them. I don’t know if i have ever related to someone or felt understood but there was just so much beauty about everything in respect to adolescence, love and life in the book and all of it seemed so right that i don’t think i can articulate that correctly. But here’s what i liked in the book-

  • “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
  • “so, this is my life. and i want you to know that i am both happy and sad and i’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”
  • “Things change. and friends leave. life doesn’t stop for anybody.”
  • “I feel infinite.”
  • “I would die for you. But i won’t live for you.”
  • “So, i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”
  • “I think that if i ever have kids, and they are upset, i won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.”
  • “I am very interested and fascinated how everyone loves each other, but no one really likes each other.”
  • “You’re a wallflower. You see things. You keep quiet about them. And you understand.

I have been listening to new and different artists like Blackbear, EDEN, Sasha Sloan, Halsey and i love everything that i’ve been listening to. I had an amazing weekend after so long but i hate that it has ended. I hate this about myself. Sabotaging happiness just because it is fleeting and will definitely end. Incidentally, i had a dream some few days back, and it’s stuck in my mind since then merely because it consisted the one I’d give my life for. “I saw you leaving with her, talking and as happy as you always are, and i still don’t know why the hell was i giving a gift and decorating the room for her goddammed sister!!!” I just watched you go away with her without me and that broke my heart more.” I know it hurts like hell and i will never tell you all of this but i’ll make you a playlist and try to just get it right, because i know it’ll never be the same again. This doesn’t make sense to you and that’s okay i guess cause it’s just a dream. I believe that our dreams are nothing but other realities or maybe our current realities, just the truth with all the walls down and out of denial and too far away from all the lies that we make ourselves believe in. I know I’m just ranting which is probably making no sense, but i’m always missing him.

I don’t know what to write because it’s not the same anymore. It’s hard and worse to realize that i am not what i thought i was or maybe i can never be what i wanted to be, in the most realest sense. It’s not that i fully know who i am or what i want to be but i hate being passionate for short time and then burn out. Since this is a period of self discovery so maybe that’s where this is coming from. I haven’t written any poetry lately and i don’t find anything on my mind these days but my brother suggests me to quit writing the usual stuff write about and rather write about something i don’t know, something different. Am i numb or am i feeling too much that it doesn’t show?

For I like the sound of silence

Just because all beautiful things come to an end it doesn’t mean we stop enjoying and cherishing them, this is probably how it is and what you will try to tell me but sometimes i wish certain things lasted a little more longer than they actually did. I know i should probably accept it but maybe it is just denial because deep down i know it is true. I know one of friend tells me not to suppress myself and any feeling that might be pleasurable to feel and my best friend advises me to block an intense yet natural thought with aggression and not let it sabotage happiness just because it is fleeting. I don’t know but sometimes it’s just easier to avoid and suppress certain things to reduce it’s power to hurt because i wish i didn’t know certain things because then it’d all be easier to deal with it. I don’t understand how sometimes i feel so satiated with myself, dance and look into the mirror and smile at and talk to myself and on some days i want to shut myself in , cry and not face any light. I see and know how the people of my life have these expectations from me and i hate that because i know i’d fall short and i want to be free of anything that might hold me down and restrict my soul. I think it’s all about how you manage to look happy if not actually feel it inside. I guess it’d make things a bit better.

I want to talk about the past mainly because i have been seeing and revisiting it all in my mind. I know they tell you to never look behind because everything done can’t be reversed, and i totally get that but what if our past is never the past and still exists in our present but just in different forms. I don’t know if it makes enough sense but do you think that things would have turned out a different way if we had certain control over them? That’s why it hurts so much and grief comes naturally to us because we never had control over certain circumstances in our life. What i am trying to say is that, sure someone and some things can break you but they can’t destroy you because the power to devour you only lies in your hands. I want to believe that i am my own creator and destroyer of my heart. Also, i watched the movie, ‘Goodwill hunting’, and i guess that’s where it is coming from because, Maybe it’s never our fault that people leave, that sometimes people can’t love us the way we want, maybe it’s never fault for the way we our, maybe it’s never our fault. It’s quite painful to realize that you can give it your all and still watch it all turn to dust, because everything is fleeting and now that i see it, i am coming to terms with it. I know my head and heart are as messed up and chaotic as constant and redundant chatter but sometimes i just miss the old times; I might not remember most things but i surely miss them because i can never get them back. Maybe you’ll realize this when you it’s quiet and tears flow from eyes as your head hits the pillow because now you know, that there are things you can never get back but only see them. I sound hurt but i’m not, i kinda have not been in touch with myself for a while and Coldplay gives me peace and makes my heart subtly ache and I love that.

I have been feeling quite unstable and incompetent in terms of staying afloat and be patient. I never wanted to feel so painfully empty and devoid of all emotions because i can’t understand it and it’s hard sometimes to find your way in the world. My brother says, “You’re a wanderer lost in a desert without a compass to find your way, but you can follow the stars”, i don’t think i have heard anything as beautiful as this but what are my stars? Where do i find them? Sometimes I get worried a lot about him because he’s been having a hard time lately, and he often doesn’t let me know, but i hate that i am far away from him. I think it’s important to know that you might not be able to take away the pain of people you love, but there in anyway you can and let them vent to you about anything. Incidentally, I have been watching a lot of anime- A silent voice, Your Name, 5 cm per second and i loved all of them ofcourse because of how aesthetically pleasing they are. I’d like to tell you that i find a lot happiness and sense of belonging in art, books, movies and music; i’m beginning to embrace this new aspect in me. So, i am going to end this blog here cause my sem-finals begin from tomorrow and i am scared because i mess up. Good night, people.

Wonder if it’s a strength or weakness

I am really content and calm right now in this moment and i just want it to be like that for as long as it can be. I’d like to believe that i have been doing much better than what i was, while writing the last post; it doesn’t happen quite often but i feel like i belong somewhere and i can see the path i want to tread on. I’m just happy to know that i had been doing quite the right thing all this time. And while i go on writing and feel grateful, i want to appreciate and thank S for coming into my life and bringing in all the great music and inspiring me to start writing. I’m just so happy to have gotten to know her, well quite digitally though, but it’s okay.

So, i finished reading All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven after a lot of procrastination, but i’m glad i completed that. I liked how the book talked about mental health, and the stigma attached to it, I could relate to it though. But what i didn’t like about the book was the ending; the boy, Theodore couldn’t save himself or even try to, the way he saved the life of the girl he loved, Violet. HE COMMITTED SUICIDE. Well, not ‘committed’, he KILLED himself by suicide. I mean suicide is not the answer. It isn’t the way of ending problems, it just adds more to the lives of people one leaves behind. I think it is quite selfish to do so. Remember, there’s a way out and there’s always a light somewhere in the dark, you just gotta find it.

Here are some lines that i liked in the book:

  1. “When we are in the act of wandering, we need to be present, not watching it through a lens.”
  2. “It’s okay to laugh, you know. The earth’s not going to split open. You’re not going to hell. Believe me. If there’s a hell, I’ll be there ahead of you, and they’ll be too busy with me to even check you in.”
  3. “The problem with people is they forget that most of the time it’s the small things that count.”
  4. “Sometimes, things feel true to us, even if they are not.”
  5. “We are all alone, trapped in these bodies and our own minds, and what ever company we have in this life is only fleeting and superficial.”
  6. “We do not remember days, we remember moments.”

I want to write about how angry and pissed off i feel by all the societal and family pressures that i am often put into, and expected to put up with all the bullshit and conform. I mean there’s just so much emptiness in the people around me, and knowing all their false ideas and beliefs makes me want to put my head through a wall, because i don’t want to know. I just realize now that how much important and essential it is to know ourselves, our behaviours, our thoughts and the way our minds work, because it’d make us hate people less and just be done with it. I think it’s even more better to have some moments of introspection and differentiate our thoughts and ideas and beliefs from everyone else’s because don’t just believe in everything that anyone says. Anyway, i have realized that i tend to avoid those situations that i cannot control anymore. I tend to do this in one of the biggest circumstance of my life, which has the tendency to get stronger every new day or evening, to be more precise. Maybe, ignorance is bliss and avoidance is much better than unnecessary arguments, but i guess i am fine with both, because i am beginning to understand and find that there are certain things i will never be able to have a good control over, so it will be easy to let go.

I have been listening to Radiohead and RHCP a lot and i like how their music slows my mind down from the constant throbbing of all my thoughts. While i sit writing this blog post, i feel like i need to get my shit together before reaching the end, because i shouldn’t be so avoidant and ignorant towards the things that need to be done. I mean i should stop or maybe lessen sitting around free so much and get working.

"I don't really know what to do
with me- let go of it all gracefully,
or avoid everything like an ignorant
bitch, perhaps numbing it with
music would be more appropriate

B says,"Don't hold your pain for too long."
A calls and texts once in a while hoping
I'd answer- but i am sick.
Through the phone i couldn't
sense you fading away.

Awake till midnight with a lonely
laptop screen light- it's empty outside.
dreaming of ghosts every night, will
they lead me or leave me astray?
cause i don't really know what
to do with me."

Don’t know what’s gotten into me.

I don’t know what i should write/rant about but hey, do you ever hear your own voice inside your head each time you find your brimming over? I do, every time i find myself on the verge of crying i keep saying to myself to not cry. Not that i believe in it, but the patriarchial idea of crying being as a weakness is too deeply instilled inside my brain. And more so, i’m seen as a weak person because i cry very often and easily. But isn’t it that everyone finds different ways of letting go of pain and sadness? I know i’m not anything close to weak, cause crying is my way of letting go of pain. I like the general idea of crying- letting your tears flow seamlessly down your cheeks, with an intensity, which might as well choke your breath and leave you gasping. As long as i can cry my eyes out, i can deal with more of suffering and heartbreaks. Anyway, i think that my idea about myself and my life, that i have created inside my brain, is quite different than what people perceive me as. I don’t think if i want to change it but it gives me freedom to do and be as i wish, without being questioned. Why would you want everyone to know every thing about you and then have them ask you endless questions? Just do whatever you want to do, but make sure you don’t hurt the people who love you.

It is getting a little bit hard to write anything these days, considering the fact that i have been feeling slightly numbed, my mind can’t process anything. I think i am going through minor withdrawals because i find myself awfully dissociated from everything around me. I guess, life’s too much to take sometimes; getting up and making bed, bathing, eating, studying, making sure to have conversations with everyone, and doing little chores everyday tend to tire me so much. I DON’T REALLY LIKE MUNDANE ROUTINES, THOUGH.

I have been feeling very overwhelmed, i miss my cousin brother because he’s the light of my eyes and i have had no sun for a long time. I hate distances but guess i have to learn to be strong and deal with my mind more effectively and not worry him all the time. I’m not sure how long it takes for a human brain to accept the mistakes committed and let go of it. i think losing all hope and seeing your beliefs get shattered, becomes an eye-opener. like the last time i felt pain, i remember questioning, “what’s better, forgiving and forgetting or letting it all go with complete ignorance.” I still don’t know though, but sometimes i regret being a certain way and saying things in moments of fierce passion and weakness. Sometimes i hate that i have hurt people in ways i didn’t expect to, unintentionally. I also know, this kind of life was unprecedented, but i sometimes hate my heart and feeling like ripping it off and throwing it away. I know it’s not required but sometimes i wish i could tell him how much my heart and head hurts from everything, how i try to fall asleep at night before i fall apart, how much i love even if i can’t show, or just how i only want him to be happy else how am i supposed to be strong. I know how they all say, take what you need and go on; but i don’t really know what i need. There’s a lot that inside my head that i need to figure out in terms of everything But if there’s more pain to come, it must come and devour all of my existence and turn me into someone new. I know i have been feeling quite weak which so very unlike me, but i miss certain things although i try hard to hide. I’ll try writing more next time.

But there’s no one listening.

I woke up today with a heavy head and I don’t know if I like this way of life anymore. I just wish my brain could shut up for some time and not make me think of things I’m not ready for. I have my online classes in 10 minutes, I wish I could just run away from it. Despite spending half of my day lying on the bed tending to my classes, spending the other half everyday with my cousins, the only thing i look forward to is listening to music, although I do it all the time. I was listening to radiohead last night and I really like their music, it’s depressing yet light at the same time. I really like “Fake plastic trees”, “High and Dry”, “No Surprises”; they are are the kind of music I’d listen to when I’m generally irritated and can’t deal with any shit anymore. I’d like to establish the fact that I’m not a pop music fanatic and Don’t relate to most of it, Punk, alt-rock is more of my kind cause I have slightly different views and beliefs from others nothing makes me happy than Blink 182. I’ve also been obsessed with the band, The Goo Goo Dolls because of the beauty in their lyrics and it makes my heart subtly ache for something that I want to feel/have but don’t have the ability for.

I want to know what you do when the waves come crashing in? Tell me How do you deal with your grief and sadness? I want to know how you control your pain so it doesn’t paralyze your limbs? Honestly I don’t know any perfect way to deal with my pain because it never goes away. My pain is resurfacing again and it hurts my head so much. It feels like my heart’s collapsing and falling down and I can’t hold on. My eyes are just brimming up and I’m trying to hide my tears because I don’t want anyone to notice. I feel as if I’m going to burst out in my pain and fade away soon. I tried to numb it out, talk more, but I’m not Overthinking as well. It’s like the walls around me are caving in. It’s that feeling when someone just tore the band-aid off and the wounds are bleeding again. When I look and think of my life the way it is, it makes me want to abandon all my beliefs and make a shell around me so nothing can touch me anymore. I also don’t want to break my heart again by thinking about something that hasn’t happened yet. But if I break now it’ll hurt less when it actually happens. I want to let go of all my fears and feel fearless so nothing can break inside me. I don’t know though, if there’s anything left to break inside me. Just know that when you sit and stare at a wall and tears start streaming down your face, you’ve been too strong for a while. I understand that everything that’s gone must be left in past and missed in silence but what about the ghosts, the hallucinations, the voices? How do I tell them that I don’t need them anymore,that they’re causing me pain? I guess I had been holding myself together for quite a decent time and I think it’s all over now. I wish everyone would leave me alone and let me sit in my room with lights off, listening to music and cry till nothing’s left.

I think one of my biggest fear is having a distorted memory. So this one day all my cousins were talking about a trip we all did back in 2012 and I couldn’t recall most parts of it and that irked me so much because I don’t remember certain moments involving me. I pretty much sure that I am messed up in my head but I don’t understand why I can’t remember things when everyone else does, although it’s quite hard to believe because of how much I hold inside my head. I remember his red bottle and him waving at me for the first time, the keyboard boy and music classes, pursuing someone with a fierce passion for the first time, computer lab fights, ‘water race’, bringing him a lollipop on school trips, a foreigner asking me for directions, getting teased for my “Bilkul draamebaazi hai” review of a shitty movie, my mom getting mad me at for my stubbornness, my father singing me to sleep on his shoulders, singing ‘wild hearts’ with my best friend, running with duster amd water bottle in my hand, dancing in class and trigonometry cramming, and so much more. Do you see how much I hold inside my head and it’s just this a part of the ocean in my mind. I guess it’s because I remember all the miniscule details from my past that I don’t remember the big things. I think pain is just any other emotion that demands to be felt because there are very few things in life that are real and leave a profound impact on us and our lives. Because when that subtle sadness creeps into your soul and chokes your throat; you think of the people you loved, and the smiles you adored. I know no matter how I try I can never forget certain details, specific memories and feeling even if I forget the people attached with it. I don’t want to though, because I want to grow old and look back at my life and smile at how gracefully I adored people and things in my life that they gave me immense happiness. I want to look back at the 13 to 16 year old me with a happy and relieved heart because that girl felt what love and life was without actually knowing it. I sound like I’ve been to some really good old saints for help but I have been just been thinking of the girl I was before I became who I am now.

Heart’s not enough

“How was it all before I came in?
Was I at fault or you an angel,
But darling, just look right
through me for one last time.

Am I not enough or empty inside?
because an empty heart can’t pump
out the blood; my chest’s burning,
heart’s collapsing- give me some time.

Is love meant to be silent or loud?
for I like the sound of silence.
love you in quietness, grand gestures
are my hamartia- I am paralyzed.

Hold on a bit, don’t give up too soon,
maybe I could give you more this time.
but I am just a naive, young poet;
Perhaps I could write you a better rhyme.”

I never meant to cause you trouble.

So i was really irked for the past three days because of something someone close to me did/say and I’m alright now because that’s who I am, I don’t hold grudges for too long. I think for the first time in my life I have kinda come in terms with my saturation point or what sort of behavior exceeds mine. I have to work at it and understand how my brain works at times because I’m not dumb or anything. I don’t understand why some people say or behave in a way that feels quite absurd and the kind of person that I am, I tend to take it all on me. Do you realize how toxic it is, to be a victim of people’s own insecurities just because you love them? Well, I can’t control what anyone says or does to me but I can control how I react to it. I think I am sensible enough to understand myself and not hate people for all of their idiosyncrasies because we’re all just trying to get better. Anyways, I have also been very uninspired for a long time and I just don’t like this. I don’t like writer’s block. Blogging is something that helps me be in touch with myself, but I really want to write some good poetry for as long as I can. I want to bleed on the paper when I am hurt, angry, sad, happy, or going through any other emotions. I want to write poetry on the darkest parts of my mind, of lost lovers and abandoned love but I just don’t know anything now but I am sure I don’t want to fade away without experiencing the world and all the strongest emotions and feelings in the universe. I’d rather die with scars than live with a flawless skin and an unevolved mind.

Everyone loves differently cause everyone’s heart beats different. And no two people’s love resembles completely and all kinds of love is love. I never learnt how to show my love for the people of my life and that’s where my hamartia lies because I only knew ways to keep people warm by destroying myself again and again. I don’t understand the fact that not being able to show our love for people leads to it being questioned for its ability to sustain them and make them feel loved. I think a great deal of pain arises with the realization that your love was never enough for the people you love the most. Nothing’s more heartbreaking than to hear someone important to you accusing you of not loving them when you actually did. If love is all about grand gestures then maybe I shouldn’t be allowed to say that “I love them” anymore. I don’t know what’s better: a silent love or a loud one? But I guess there’s different sort of beauty in both of them as long as it gives someone the strength to carry on. This makes me think of the day when my elder brother said, “There are people who won’t value your love no matter how much you give it to them, and there are people to whome if you even give a little bit of attention, they end up loving you like their whole world.” He’s one of those people I love the most and would die for, because he’s true light and deserves so much more than what I give him. I just wish he realizes that I, his little sister loves him but can’t express it appropriately. It’s quite late now and I should probably sleep but I feel that all my life I have never been enough for the people in my life, and im not quite sure if it is my inadequacy in loving people the right way or if they were the extra needy ones but I love them anyway. How do i explain them that the girl never knew a perfect way to express her love? How do I make them realize that the girl loved them a lot more than she could express. I wish they could read her eyes because they never lie.

“Am I the hope in her words or
the questions in his eyes that he hides,
for I am their only safe ground;
bereft of water – a parched land.

Am I my mother’s sad and beautiful
smile Or my ageing father’s cough,
because they are my only vision
and I, their only hope.

Am I my best friend’s happiest
getaway or the favourite girl
of all my friends, for they
are the ecstacy of my life.

Am I all those songs I listen to
everyday or the song I made myself,
out of the vibrations inside my head,
which I am yet to understand.”