I don’t know what i should write/rant about but hey, do you ever hear your own voice inside your head each time you find your brimming over? I do, every time i find myself on the verge of crying i keep saying to myself to not cry. Not that i believe in it, but the patriarchial idea of crying being as a weakness is too deeply instilled inside my brain. And more so, i’m seen as a weak person because i cry very often and easily. But isn’t it that everyone finds different ways of letting go of pain and sadness? I know i’m not anything close to weak, cause crying is my way of letting go of pain. I like the general idea of crying- letting your tears flow seamlessly down your cheeks, with an intensity, which might as well choke your breath and leave you gasping. As long as i can cry my eyes out, i can deal with more of suffering and heartbreaks. Anyway, i think that my idea about myself and my life, that i have created inside my brain, is quite different than what people perceive me as. I don’t think if i want to change it but it gives me freedom to do and be as i wish, without being questioned. Why would you want everyone to know every thing about you and then have them ask you endless questions? Just do whatever you want to do, but make sure you don’t hurt the people who love you.
It is getting a little bit hard to write anything these days, considering the fact that i have been feeling slightly numbed, my mind can’t process anything. I think i am going through minor withdrawals because i find myself awfully dissociated from everything around me. I guess, life’s too much to take sometimes; getting up and making bed, bathing, eating, studying, making sure to have conversations with everyone, and doing little chores everyday tend to tire me so much. I DON’T REALLY LIKE MUNDANE ROUTINES, THOUGH.
I have been feeling very overwhelmed, i miss my cousin brother because he’s the light of my eyes and i have had no sun for a long time. I hate distances but guess i have to learn to be strong and deal with my mind more effectively and not worry him all the time. I’m not sure how long it takes for a human brain to accept the mistakes committed and let go of it. i think losing all hope and seeing your beliefs get shattered, becomes an eye-opener. like the last time i felt pain, i remember questioning, “what’s better, forgiving and forgetting or letting it all go with complete ignorance.” I still don’t know though, but sometimes i regret being a certain way and saying things in moments of fierce passion and weakness. Sometimes i hate that i have hurt people in ways i didn’t expect to, unintentionally. I also know, this kind of life was unprecedented, but i sometimes hate my heart and feeling like ripping it off and throwing it away. I know it’s not required but sometimes i wish i could tell him how much my heart and head hurts from everything, how i try to fall asleep at night before i fall apart, how much i love even if i can’t show, or just how i only want him to be happy else how am i supposed to be strong. I know how they all say, take what you need and go on; but i don’t really know what i need. There’s a lot that inside my head that i need to figure out in terms of everything But if there’s more pain to come, it must come and devour all of my existence and turn me into someone new. I know i have been feeling quite weak which so very unlike me, but i miss certain things although i try hard to hide. I’ll try writing more next time.